The first time I met Father Jackson I was wearing cut off jeans, a tee shirt–probably V-neck and a pair of flip flops. That’s probably what I was wearing the second, third, fifth and twentieth time I saw him. And each time, he greeted me at the door with a smile. He led me into the rectory and we sat in a pair of plaid chairs that had belonged to his mother. They creaked every time I moved. Oh, I also had a tattoo on my ankle that he could plainly see–cut off shorts hide very little. He prayed with me, talked with me, handed me kleenex after kleenex some days and taught me. He did not scold me, humiliate me, rebuke me, taunt me or in any way make me feel unwelcome into his home or his church. His kindness, his grace offering, his desire to meet me where I was–cut offs and all–is in part the reason I am a devout practicing Catholic wife and mom of seven children today.
If Father Jackson would have scolded or humiliated me, I very easily could have walked far and fast from the Church. I very easily could have walked away from my marriage when the new wore off because I had no one to love and teach me the beauty of what a sacramental marriage means. And if one or both of those had happened, I would have also walked away from my vocation as a momma to this noisy bunch of kids. I could have lost myself and my soul forever. But I didn’t because Father Jackson fathered me in love, in patience and in grace.
Mommas, can I tell you, we have to do that for and with our children…love, patience and grace. Anything less and they will bolt out of our homes cutting all heart strings without so much as glancing back. Not only will they bolt from our homes–our little “Domestic Church,” there is a very real possibility they will run far and wide from the one, holy, Catholic, and Apostolic faith. It’s easy to leave a place or person when you don’t feel welcome anyway.
There was a time I felt like I was in a pretty good mothering groove. But one day I was scolded (by a different priest) for being immodest because I was wearing pants and I let my girls wear pants. And sleeveless shirts, or tee shirts that were more than two inches from the hollow of the throat or sleeves that didn’t cover the elbow or skirts shorter than four inches below knee or clothes that revealed a woman’s shape. That conversation took place in my kitchen, a few months after the birth of my fifth baby. The pants I was wearing, a cute pair of Khakis from Old Navy–loose enough to pull away from my leg, were one of only a handful of post baby clothes that fit, helped hold my mommy tummy in a little and I thought I looked kind of nice in–a rarity for all three to miraculously align. And my shirt? A loose, flowy nursing friendly shirt. My little girls were dressed in jumpers or mid thigh overall shorts with bright colored tee shirts underneath. Suddenly, I lost my mothering groove. I started parenting out of fear because I didn’t want to go to hell for being immodest and a scandal, and for raising daughters who were the same. My intentions were good…my methods sucked. (There really is no pretty way to say that.)
Mommas, I am telling you the quickest and easiest way to lose the hearts of our children is to become their biggest critic. And the quickest way to run our children out of the Church is to suck all the grace, love and joy out of the faith. To someone growing, learning and even struggling with who they are, it means there is no room for the imperfect.
This world is a scary place to raise children, I totally get that, but parenting in fear or in a bubble is not the answer. It may actually harm hearts and souls. Now, I am in no way encouraging loosey-goosey parenting. I am not encouraging you to toss out rules and standards in a feeble attempt to keep your kids either in the Church or in your home. What I am encouraging is grace. And this grace begins with ourselves…meaning we parent with our hearts. Women, living in the state of grace, are a powerful, intuitive force able to raise saints for the glory of God. Do not let anyone steal your mothering grace–it’s yours and yours alone!
You have to guard and defend your mothering grace. You have to guard and defend your children from the “well meaners” of this world. They will try to usurp your mothering grace by applying a “one size fits all if you want to go to heaven” standard. They will try to scare you and make you question if you are following God’s will in your mothering. They may correct you, your husband and your children, taking liberties that are not theirs to take. They do not possess the grace infused in the sacrament of your marriage to raise your children. You and your husband alone were granted that sacramental grace. Do not let others infringe on that precious gift of grace from the Lord, administered through the sacrament of matrimony.
Mommas, to mother in grace, you need to remain in the state of grace. This means frequent the sacraments. And we need to take our children with us. This practice not only keeps us in the state of grace but it begins to establish a habit of living a healthy, Catholic, grace filled life for us and our children. One day, sooner rather than later, our children will be out in this big world on their own. They will choose what they want to wear and how they want to wear it. Let’s pray those choices are led by grace and not rebellion.
A healthy, Catholic life takes patience, practice and time. We call ourselves “practicing Catholics” rather than “perfect Catholics” for a reason. Can you imagine being a teen or young adult in today’s world? {{shudder}} Let’s give our kiddoes space to grow and question and make mistakes. That habit we’re working on forming of staying in the sacraments? That is the perfect place for them to take their imperfections, mistakes, bad habits, faults and sins. And, I’m saying it again, guard and protect your mothering grace. Guard and protect your sacramental authority as your children’s parent. Guard the tender, growing hearts, minds and souls of your children; they need you.
I’m not going to end this post with detailed instructions on what is considered right and holy dress verse wrong and sinful. Saint Margaret of Hungary wore a hair shirt…Saint Joan of Arc wore men’s clothes…Blessed Mother Teresa wore a Sari…Saint Therese the Little Flower wore a Carmelite habit.
I will tell you this though, only wearing skirts doesn’t make me love Jesus or you any more or better. Wearing pants doesn’t make me love Jesus or you any less. I still make mistakes in skirts or pants, many of them big enough and bad enough to be sins. And yet I have always found (and pray I continue to find) my way back into the state of God’s unfailing grace.
Cam over at A Woman’s Place has a post on the pants/skirts issue. The comments are good too. The Great Skirt Debate and Why I Started Wearing Pants Again
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Liz says
Thanks jenny for the reminder, i really needed to hear that today. We have to trust our parenting methods and not let ourselves be caught up in other’s methods or opinions. I liked what you said about parenting in fear or in a bubble not being the answer. I also loved hearing that the sacrament of mariage gives us the grace to parent our children. God is good to us! Lets turn ourselves towards Him.
Jenny says
Thanks for the encouragement Liz. I was a little hesitant about how others would respond to my post. I just wrote from my heart and prayed God would help me to be understood.
Micaela says
This is such a beautiful and gentle reminder, Jenny. I parent best when I’m not worried about the opinion of anyone outside of God and my family. I parent the worst when I put other people first. I especially like what you say about only my husband and I having the sacramental grace to parent our own children. Thank you for writing this!
Jenny says
Thanks for the time to leave a comment Micaela. It’s hard girl! We want to do and be the best at this parenting thing, and so often I think we just wear ourselves out listening to all the methods and opinions and forget to listen to ourselves and our husbands.