So yesterday, we considered, what is ebola…to me, it was part of my 31 Days series. I shared with you ebola is a thief that has been lurking in the shadows of my mind since elementary school some 30 plus years ago. This definitely explains why I recently forbid my husband from flying…and he laughed. We’re a pretty good pair. But it’s not just ebola, there was as time when the fear was a heart attack and it was not lurking. That fear had me in a strangle hold for at least a year and wrestling that demon, left me with a mental limp even Jacob would recognize. {Genesis 32:25} Although I did not realize it at the time, this mental limp was a reminder that my battle was not against flesh and blood but against powers and principalities–this battle was ultimately in my mind.
A Heart Attack
Back in the day when I used to watch television, even further back when I used to watch Oprah, she did a show on young women having a heart attack. And the longer I watched, the more my mind raced and my heart suddenly started palpitating and hurting. The more my mind raced, the more my heart hurt and the more my heart hurt, the more my mind raced. And pretty soon instead of asking “What came first, the chicken or the egg,” the question was “What came first the mental or physical symptoms?” I literally thought I was going to have a heart attack, like the women on Oprah, and die; leaving behind a young husband and father with three small children. I worried myself sick thinking my heart was going to kill me, when in reality, I was not having a heart attack, my heart was being attacked.
Instead of giving my attention to the good things…to the God things, in life, I was giving my attention to the scary thoughts. Focusing on the scary thoughts made me weak and kept me in an enveloping darkness of anxiety, fear, depression and dread.
I was so tormented mentally–so tormented–that it took me almost two years before I could rationally stop and think, “Wait a minute. Yes, those women all had out of the blue heart attacks at a young age…but they didn’t die. They were alive to talk about their experiences.” That thought released me from almost two years of torment. Two years of living in fear of death. Actually more like 20 years of living in fear of death.
That freedom did not last long though, there always seemed to be some scary thought lurking in the shadows of my mind. All it needed was an open invitation, which I ignorantly gave…Afraid of a serial killer–hey let’s watch Dateline about a serial killer. Scared of anthrax–let’s read all the latest news about possible anthrax threats. Frightened about possibly miscarrying–make sure to dog ear that chapter in the pregnancy book so “I’ll know what the symptoms are.”
I had another go-round about six years ago. It was then that I finally realized, these fears were never about a heart attack, anthrax, mars landing in the middle of the earth and scorching me to death…it was my mind. All those years, all those fears, they began and ended in my mind and each and every one of them, attacked my heart.
*There is an updated posted here: Daily Affirmations for Christian Moms: Overwhelming Thoughts
A great reminder to watch our thoughts. I’m guilty. I need to think on good things.
I am preaching to myself girl!
My husband travels a lot. I actually considered asking him to retire from the military so that he wouldn’t have to fly anymore! Scary stuff.
I just received my copy of The Way of Serenity by Fr. Jonathan Morris. I’m very excited about it, since the Serenity Prayer is on of my personal favorites.
Also, I pulled out my Battlefield of the Mind, by Joyce Meyer. I have been reluctant to finish it, but when I opened it to where I left off, she says, “The renewing of your mind will take place little by little, so don’t be discouraged if your progress is slow.” She goes on to say that pride might consume us if we receive too much freedom too quickly and that it’s better to be set a liberty in one area at a time. We’ll appreciate it more and realize that it’s a gift from God and not something we can make happen in our own strength.
I’ve not heard of the Way of Serenity. You’ll have to let me me know how it is. Battlefield of the Mind…an awesome classic on changing our thinking. Along with The 4:8 Principle, I give Battlefield of the Mind away too if I can find and buy them cheap at the Goodwill.
I’m reading you 9 1/2 years later and these stories are describing me, too. Different worries, same battle.
“The renewing of your mind will take place little by little, so don’t be discouraged if your progress is slow.” When my dad was in the hospital for three months straight and finally came home, the nurse warned us that “for every day you are in the hospital, allow yourself two days to recover.” In other words, don’t expect to bounce right back to your old life just because you are out of the hospital and back in your own home.
I think of this advice over and over. None of us got where we are overnight, and none of us will recover overnight, either. Sometimes the progress is slow and I think, “I’ll never get this.” Then you remind me, “That’s negative thinking, sistah.” So I pivot and try, “I’ll get this! Eventually, I’ll get this! Keep trying, don’t give up,” I have to remind myself or, thank goodness, one of you reminds me.