Do you know some mean girls? I’m not asking you to think back to high school or junior high; I mean right now. Are you a mean girl? (I’m not excluding guys here, but based on comments, it’s the girls that hang out here. (This post has been updated: Christian Life Coaching: Healing from Mean Girl Behavior. This update reflects my training as a Certified Christian Life Coach.)
We’ve considered quite a few things in the last week like what is a man of understanding and what is religion. I’ve used standing in line at the grocery store for some of those examples. Hey, I write what I know and I know I stand in the line at the grocery store at least a couple of times a week. The grocery store and the inevitable line offer some great opportunities for people watching, soul searching, and resolution making…and mean girls, well they seem to come out in the grocery store and checkout line, don’t they? All it takes is a slow cashier, out-of-stock item, or wobbly wheeled cart to put a scowl on their face or a hiss on their lips.
Mean Girls
Before we start talking about mean girls, tuck this saying away for reference, “Hurt people…hurt people.” I cannot tell you how instrumental those four words have been in my life. That phrase has allowed me to step away from hurtful people in hurtful situations and reassess it for what it really might be…a hurting person lashing out. When I have been able to step back, I could respond with sympathy or empathy or even walk away unruffled. I didn’t have to take it personally because it wasn’t about me.
Back to mean girls. Let’s just bulls-eye it ok…
Mean girls don’t even like themselves. How can they like you?
Mean girls are hurting, maybe so deep they don’t even know where or why. Here’s an example, that, surprise, does not have to do with the grocery store…or even girls.
The end of last year our Great Pyrenees broke her leg. We took her to one vet and they inserted a pin internally but did not stabilize the leg and pin externally. The result was that the pin just rotated around in her hip until it wore a quarter size hole through the skin…the pin was literally poking out through her hip, just boring a hole. This resulted in multiple vet visits and an eventual change in veterinarians.
One day, as we were trying to get her out of the car for yet another visit, she snapped at me. I’ve got a bunch of kids and I cannot have a dog, a BIG, powerful dog around, who could possibly hurt one of us. Once we got her inside I told the vet what had happened. I also asked if maybe she needed to be put down because I could not risk her snapping at and possibly attacking one of the children.
He assured me she was not snapping at me, she was not a mean dog, she was just scared and in a lot of pain. I’m so glad he could see the situation clearly because I almost needlessly put our dog down. After some pain medication, she was almost back to herself and after another surgery to stabilize her leg, she was even better and eventually completely healed and recovered.
The point is, that she behaved badly, she acted mean because she was hurting. How many girls–and by girls, I also mean women–are hurting? How many are in so much pain all they can do is lash out? It can be a nasty look, a rudeness about them or even just outright meanness.
How many of these women wake up every morning hating themselves and the life they live? They don’t start the day with positive affirmations…they start and end their days with self-hatred. They speak negative words about themselves and their lives and those around them. Have you heard “A thing cannot give that it does not have?” These mean girls can not be nice to themselves…they are surely not going to be nice to you or I.
*There is an updated version of this post. Christian Life Coaching: Healing from Mean Girl Behavior
Although I agree totally with what you wrote, there are also girls and/or women who get their kicks out of being mean to others. It’s those women I have issues with. People are mean to people for such dumb reasons. You could either be to fat, to thin, to pretty, to ugly; I want to know why people are hateful to those they feel are different than themselves. It’s pretty sad to think being mean gives people a sense of joy or a sense of superiority. I feel sorry for them.
They are to be pitied because they are missing out on something and trying to fill it,but who wants to be filled with meanness and pettiness? I think it’s a vicious cycle.
Wow! I love the take on this. Most people concentrate on the victim not the aggressor. I love you unique blog post. Thanks for sharing.
You are very welcome. I’m glad you were able to take something away from it.
Jenny, I love you blog! 🙂
Thanks Starla. Yours is great to visit as well!
This is great perspective. All too often people are reacting out of a situation we know nothing about. It can be hard to show love when others hurt us, but trying to see the big picture always helps. Lovely post today!
Thank you Jennifer. You are correct, the big picture always helps. The trick is to remember that in the moment.
I absolutely love this – and I hope the mean girls of the world read this! xx
Thanks Anastasia for the visit and kind comment. It would be nice if they took a minute to read it. Do you think it would be awkward to send it to the ones we know though? Just kidding.
I love the way you are able to step back from a situation and see the big picture. It is so true that hurt people hurt people. Awesome post Jenny!
Thank you Jennifer. I wish I could step back in the moment more instead of after the fact. These thoughts need to become a habit and not just a reflection.
Good point.
I think sometimes we all have “mean girl” moments. I try to be more positive, but this is a great outlook. Instead of getting frustrated by Mean Girls, I suppose I should pray for them instead. Certainly they may be in need.
I don’t see many people going through Apocryphal books often, so I’m glad I stumbled across your blog. I’ll have to go back to day one and read through!
🙂
Welcome Amanda. Yes, unfortunately I have my own mean girl moments. Thankfully God is merciful.
“Hurt people hurt people.” I found that extremely helpful as well. I like the idea of telling someone that is bothering me how I feel about it, rather than using an accusatory statement. (i.e. I’m feeling very agitated by your singing right now) It reminds me and lets them know that there may not be something wrong with them necessarily, but could just be my limitations. It is true that sometimes we are angry, agitated, offended and mean because something is wrong inside of us. The better I feel about me, the better I feel about you.
But.. I’m going out on a limb and this may be TMI, but for about 10 days a month, I can be a bit of a mean girl. It’s really hard to keep my tone modified. I mumble a lot more under my breath. The good news is that I can continue to repent and be forgiven ~ and sometimes (cringe), I have to apologize to a stranger out or on the phone.
Oh Michelle…Hormones! Didn’t Mother Angelica say if it weren’t for people we’d all be saints? What about if it weren’t for hormones! Just one more opportunity to grow in virtue.
Yes, Mother Angelica is right! I am convinced that having children has brought out the ugly in me. Hey, I’m thankful for that. Who knows how long it would have been dormant in there?
hahah…dormant in there…that made me laugh out loud, thanks!
Thanks for reminding us all that some people’s aggression comes from a deep and abiding painful situation. Which is where my response comes from too sometimes. I don’t mean that in a “mean” way but sometimes when my patience is thin people seem to overreact to that too.
Hi Lilith. Trying to keep that consideration in the front of mind can help me in my reaction or lack of reaction to hurtful people or situations.
I think it’s hardest for me when people are hurtful to small children. My own daughter was murdered and people seem to forget how precious and short life can be.
Oh Lilith, so sorry for your loss. Many blessings.
I literally just returned from the store, a cashier opened another line and motioned me over. When I took a step back I ran into a woman’s cart and said “Oh, I’m sorry” and she gave me a look that let me know how she was feeling about me, or her day, or whatever. In such instances I try to think that maybe she just lost her dog, or got a bad report from the doctor. I shudder to think what people have thought of me on my worst days. Great post!
I too wonder how I must look from the outside–>in to others. I’m a definite work in progress and the grace I grant myself, I try to remember to grant others.
good things to think about. I don’t think I am mean, but sometimes let my emotions get the best of me and respond in mean ways.
I agree Amanda, we don’t have to be a “mean girl” to let our emotions get the better of us. I think I know there are many days or instances a day that I regret my words or tone of voice. I think it’s that regret, that sorrow, that separates a mean girl from a girl who acted mean. I hope that makes sense.
I totally get what your saying. I never thought about it that way. Maybe I’m being to hard on myself. I need to watch my emotions, but having a bad day doesn’t make me a “mean girl”